Wake Me Up From This Nightmare!

This is like a bad dream I can’t wake up from. Every night I go to bed thinking, when I wake up tomorrow I’m going to be better. My body is going to do the things I need it to do. I’m going to be able to take care of my children without struggling. I’m going to make it through the day without collapsing on the floor from pure exhaustion. But every day I get up, and nothing has changed. My legs don’t want to work right, making it difficult to walk and get around. My heart is racing because I’m simply on my feet. My blood pressure keeps dropping even though I’m doing everything possible to keep it stable including medicine, compression socks, and staying hydrated. My mind is becoming mush. I have no short term memory and my ability to think is dwindling. I feel awful and it feels like this will never end. 

I have to sit idly around for my blood work results to probably show nothing and then wait for the neurologist to come up with a game plan for what’s next. I keep thinking I can’t live like this, but that’s exactly what I’m doing and what if this is what my life has become? I thought this was a flare of one of the many ailments I already deal with, but now I’m not so sure. Now I’m starting to believe this is something new. If that’s the case, this could be my new way of life and I’m just not sure how I’m going to survive. My kids are suffering from having a mother that can barely help herself, nevermind them. My husband has had to pick up all of the slack in the house. My capabilities at work are non-existent at the moment since my mind is just not working. I need help. I need a diagnosis and I need help. 

I turned to my cardiologist since he prescribed most of the medication I’m taking and is handling my autonomic dysfunction. He can’t seem to understand why I can’t keep my blood pressure over 100 when I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and I’m on medication to increase my blood pressure. He wanted me to see my primary care physician because he thinks I may have an endocrine insufficiency, and I need additional blood work done. I apprehensively make an appointment with my primary care physician because I know he is going to doubt what I say when I see him (yes, I’m in the process of finding a new doctor) and instead of asking me any questions about what I’m experiencing, he tells me any mother of three in my position would be stressed and I should take antidepressants to feel better. I’m not depressed, and what I’m feeling is not a physical manifestation of stress. He refused to listen to what the cardiologist had to say and sent me on my way. It was the most infuriating appointment I’ve ever wasted my energy on.

Why are some doctors so dismissive? Is stress and depression/anxiety always the fall back when doctors are not sure what’s going on? He took one look at me and decided I was stressed and that was my problem. He even went as far as to say the cardiologist was treating me for things I probably didn’t have. Apparently, he doesn’t trust his patients and doesn’t think very highly of other doctors either. I wasn’t there seeking drugs, I wanted help. I need help. Instead, I left feeling even worse than when I went to see him. Who do I turn to for help at this point?

There are moments when I feel like I have no fight left in me. I feel hopeless and defeated. Then I think about my husband and children. I would do anything for them and I’ve gone to great lengths to make sure they are always taken care of. I can’t continue to take care of them if I don’t find a way to help myself, to push through and find answers. I refuse to give up on them, which means I can’t give up on myself.